by Mark and Jan Yokers
(Article 21 in a series, originally posted on December 15, 2024, in Burien News)
In marriage, just like hiking, one must keep his eyes on the trail so he won’t trip and fall. The marriage trail can be hilly, rugged, cluttered, and steep. When you think you have it all down pat, you can be tempted to lift up your eyes and lose sight of the realities of the path in front of you. And predictably, you will stumble and maybe even go headlong.
I (Mark) was recently talking with a man I’d just met in a store. Somehow, the conversation went to our families and marriage. I was probably saying something about the “How We Love” curriculum Jan (my wife) and I use in supporting marriages. He mentioned that he had been happily married for 34 years. He had often been congratulated for that and asked what the secret to their success was. He often proclaimed that the secret was “he knew he wasn’t always right”!
I became excited at his insight!
How important it is to realize that you don’t have all the answers, and so often, we don’t realize this! How easy it is to become so self-centered and myopic in one’s own perception of things that we act as if we are the final arbiters of all knowledge. Pride and the self-deception that it brings is destructive. And we utterly fall. We cannot truly love and care for the most important person in our lives. The Bible proves true again: Proverbs 11:2— “When pride comes, then comes disgrace; but with the humble is wisdom.”
It’s humbling to admit that we don’t always see things the way they really are. We often miss the real issue in our spouse’s responses. We are too proud to work at listening to fully understand what is in the heart and mind of our spouse (i.e., to see things from their viewpoint.)Yet, to do so is one of the most significant gifts you can give to your spouse.
One time, I was petting a cat at my feet when he started grabbing my leg and snarling. I was shocked and startled that such a sweet cat would turn so aggressive so fast! I stepped back, and guess what? I had accidentally moved my foot onto the poor thing’s tail! The cat became sweet again when I stopped causing it so much pain. I had totally misjudged that cat!
How often have we been so full of ourselves that we can’t see the pain we are causing our spouse? It’s time to humble ourselves and listen to them until we can fully see what they see and understand what they are going through. It may take some time, but you will be honoring them as an individual with thoughts and emotions that are as valid as your own. You’ll find you were not always right in your first impression.
Need help? HowWeLove.com is a wonderful resource for learning how to listen and find out what is in our spouse’s responses. A little humility can go a long way in bringing closeness and connection to your marriage. Learning this has drastically changed our marriage. And we have never had more closeness and understanding than we do now. It’s wonderful, yet hard work. But the end result is more than worth it. Go for it!
